Hello Friends! I’ve been away on vacation. I went on a long trip far away to my garden and it was magnificent. Every morning instead of going to work after breakfast, I put on my garden clothes and spent 2-3 hours playing in the dirt. Then I’d come in, shower, have a little snack and do whatever I felt like for the rest of the day.
The first day of vacation was really hard. The gardening for the day was done, it was getting hot outside, I’d been lolling on the couch for an hour or so and I began to twitch. I should get up and do something instead of sit here reading. I should work on my long list of things that need to be done around the house. I should—wait a second! I burned all the “shoulds” at Imbolc but somehow they resprouted like the weeds they are.
So I asked myself, Self, what do you want to do? And Self said, I’m really enjoying this book and want to keep reading. So I did, and I ignored the twitching. The second day was easier. And by the third day I didn’t twitch once.
It’s amazing how the whole capitalist need to be productive even on vacation thing is so hard to shake. I’ve given in before. But I’ve been doing lots of reading—Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté, Home Economics by Wendell Berry, Caliban and the Witch: Women, the Body and Primitive Accumulation by Silvia Federici, Witches, Witch-Hunting, and Women by Silvia Federici, Saving Time: Discovering a Life Beyond the Clock by Jenny Odell, Survival of the Richest: Escape Fantasies of the Tech Billionaires by Douglas Rushkoff, and Mental Infrastructures: How Growth Entered the World and Our Souls by Harald Welzer.
I’ve been working on being an anti-capitalist for a while, and feel like I’m starting to get the hang of it. I’m beginning to recognize all the insidious little ways capitalism has wormed its way into my thoughts and unquestioned day-to-day. But let me tell you, even though I am getting better at recognizing it, that doesn’t mean it has been easy to kick it to the curb. Nope.
Back a few months ago when I was reading Rest is Resistance, Hersey comments somewhere deep in the book about how capitalism has infected our leisure time and has turned leisure into something that needs to be productive like, not just reading a book, but reading the right books and reading a lot of books, checking off the lists, keeping track, reading more books this year than last year. And I about fell off my chair because, well, guilty. I’ve felt bad for not reading more books that I did the year before. I’ve chosen books to read because I thought I should read them for whatever reason, not because I actually wanted to read them. I rarely read fluffy books because they are a waste of time. And on and on.
Capitalism had invaded one of the things I love best in life and I didn’t even know it! I logged into Goodreads intending to delete my reading challenge goal for the year, except it doesn’t let you delete it once you have joined it, you can only change the number. I’ll just change it to zero then. Except I couldn’t. Because you know it shows up in your friends’ feeds and what will everyone think if my goal is zero? I’ll just change it to 10 then. But I couldn’t even do that. I managed to change it from 60 to 30. How sad is that? I was so disappointed in myself. And then, when I had read 31 books, I got a little thrill, yay I went over my goal! Seriously Stef? So I got to be disappointed in myself again. Come January, I will not be joining the challenge.
While I couldn’t bring myself to zero out my challenge number, I have managed to do better at the way I decide what book to read. And I actually just read a mediocre fluffy book a coworker suggested. That was kind of a struggle, and I had to keep telling myself to just chill out and enjoy a mediocre silly story for once. Plus, it made my coworker really happy.
Reading is just one example. I could give you more.
I also didn’t spend much time on my computer. I set a timer for 60 – 90 minutes during which I had to do all the things—like look up books at the library or read an article or the news or blogs or check in with my cycling coach or cycling teammates. When the timer went off, I had to be done. That was hard too, but also pretty great. I spent more time writing cards and letters and I wrote in my journal every other day instead of only once a week. I practiced fiber spinning. I cleaned out a closet and found things I forgot I had, like black canvas sneakers with white polka dots.
And I roped James into helping me finally paint our bedroom. Even though we bought paint over 5 years ago, we just never got around to actually painting the walls so the room has been the same flat white paint it was when we moved in 20 years ago. I have no idea why we never got around to painting, but it’s done, and the walls are now a lovely “bamboo leaf” which is a sort of medium toned spring green color. And I love it. And after we get new windows installed later this summer, I will be making some white curtains out of a white cotton damask (obtained secondhand) that will look wonderfully crisp against the green. Amazing what a little paint can do!
I also got James to go with me to the mulberry tree along the creekside bike path near our house to pick mulberries. We had them in our Sunday morning sourdough waffles the next day. Yum! And we visited cherry trees in the park near our house but the cherries weren’t quite ripe and we caused a robin great distress because she had a nest in one of the trees and we didn’t know it until she had done a few low flybys while making unsettling cries. We thought Robin was upset we were picking some cherries! When we finally saw the nest and backed away, we apologized profusely, got back on our bikes and shook our heads at being such obtuse humans. So then we went and picked cherries from a neighbor’s tree two blocks from our house. Their tree was heavy with ripe fruit and they had a sign in their front yard inviting folks to pick. James made a delicious cherry crumble and some ice cream to go along.
Going back to work on Wednesday made me really sad. But turning off work at the end of the day was a little easier. I’m hoping as I keep working on starving the capitalist roots that have so deeply penetrated my very being, the hours I am not doing wage labor will feel freer, and perhaps it might eventually have a positive impact on the time I am forced to spend working for someone else.
Reading
- Article: Guardian: Loss of Fossil Fuel Assets Would Not Impoverish General Public, Study Finds. Those invested in the continuing use of fossil fuels have said that a rapid reduction in their use would have a major financial impact on the average person’s savings and pensions/401(k) plans. But this new report says otherwise.
- Article: NPR: U.S. Pedestrian deaths reach 40-year high. There are many reasons, from infrastructure that prioritizes cars over people, to reckless driving, to just how enormous trucks and SUVs have gotten.
- Book: Death by Landscape by Elvia Wilk. These essays were so good y’all! Wilk asks what kinds of narratives will help us rethink our place as humans on this planet. She looks at creative works across time and genre from Hildegard von Bingen to Octavia Butler to solarpunk to moving stories off the page and into LARPing (live action role playing). Really through-provoking. It did serious damage to my TBR and made me want to read her novel, Oval.
Listening
- Podcast: Imaginary Worlds: Entering Discworld Population: Terry Pratchett. A delightful episode about Discworld and some of our favorite characters with some fun bits about Terry Pratchett.
- Podcast: Accidental Gods: Exploding the Myth of a Farm-Free Future (and fake meat!) with Chris Smaje. Making the case for an ecological farming system and why lab grown meat is not the solution.
- P!nk’s new album, Trustfall
- Kesha’s new album, Gag Order
Watching
- Movie: Your Hurt My Feelings (2023). I love Julia Louis-Dreyfus. This is a movie for midlife adults in long-term relationships. Beth overhears her husband telling his friend that he doesn’t like Beth’s writing, but he always tells Beth how much he loves it and how good it is. Relationship issues ensue.
- Movie: The Love Witch (2016). This is one of those so bad it’s good movies. Witches. 1970s kitsch. Camp so deep you need a snorkel to breathe.
- How-to video. Teach your chicken to bike with you. Someone I know on Twitter sent me this link and it makes me laugh every time I watch it. Elinor is a good candidate or maybe Ethel, but no, this is not going to happen.
Quote
I’m not delusional enough to claim that a novel is going to explode the value systems, politics, economics, and forms of knowledge that have produced the extinction era, nor that literature will not go extinct if humans do. But on good days I do think that fiction—which might not come in the form of a novel at all—works: as in, it performs a type of labor in service of change, for better or for worse. Its effects are not linear, one-to-one, or necessarily calculable, and should not be measured as such. No cause-and-effect equation can account for them. Fictions are myriad small explosions with far-reaching fragments.
Elvia Wilk, Death by Landscape, page 250-251
James’s Kitchen Wizardry
One of the things about Buddhism that made me struggle was sitting still. Not just for meditation and breath-work, time spent ‘doing things’ albeit not terribly productive things, but Not Doing Anything. On purpose. And in the less westernized traditions, the practice goes even further — to stop thought and just be. I was never that good at it.
However, that little bit of intentional stopping has left its imprint on my life. I am better than most in this capitalist system at forcing myself to do nothing, or do nothing productive. It helps me see that productivity is really not MY goal, but what others think I should be doing with these few hours of this body’s life. It also primed me to notice how bad constant productivity is for the planet. If everybody is doing things all the time, using energy and resources, churning out stuff, then it doesn’t take long to run out of resources and fill up the globe with crap ‘product’.
I like the idea of a day of rest. Not the way we do it, saving up all the care work for the weekend and working twice as hard for those two days ‘off work’. But an actual day without productive work. A day to recharge the body and relax the mind. I like that idea… but I rarely get to do that. Because with 9-10 hours taken up with wage work every weekday, when the weekend hits, I’m scrambling to do all the important things necessary to keep my body and my home functional… never mind rest…
On another note, James needs to share his chocolate chocolate chip popcorn cookie recipe!
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Oh Elizabeth, Buddhism and the whole do nothing but sit and be aspect is something I’ve tried on and off for years, including trying to empty my mind of all thoughts. I quite frequently fall asleep. And the more I try to not have thoughts, the more thoughts pop into my head. I suppose that is why it’s a practice. I haven’t practiced in ages though. I find I do better with moving meditations–like weeding in the garden. I can do that for hours and not think of anything at all, just be in the moment. Same thing with cycling. Since I sit at a desk all day, my body needs to move, and gardening and cycling give my body something to do that allows my brain to let go of all the things.
I had a workaholic boss many years ago who was very disappointed in me because I had no ambition. She didn’t understand that my ambition wasn’t to work myself to death but to find ways to have enough while not killing myself with wage labor. It’s an ambition I still have, though I’ve not found a way to get out of the wage labor part yet. But even though I know the whole productivity thing is baloney, and I’m getting better at seeing where it has infiltrated, it is, as you know, so hard to go against the grain. Which makes me so happy to know there are people like you out there in the world.
I too like the idea of a rest day, a true sabbath. Trying to cram all the necessary life things into the weekend doesn’t give one much time to “do nothing.”
I have let James know he needs to write down his cookie recipe. He is like you and cooks by feel, but I will keep pestering him until he puts something together that I can share 🙂
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I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed this post, Stefanie. You’ve been reading my mail, ha ha! I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, productivity culture/capitalism/busy-ness, for a while now. I guess since the lockdown part of the pandemic? I’ve read a couple of the books you mention (the Odells, the Hersey) but you’ve introduced me to some new ones here. I struggle with feeling guilty about relaxing. It’s capitalism for sure, that wants us to compare our leisure time and our homes to other people especially on social media. Because if we feel bad, then we’re way more likely to want to buy something to “fix” it, right?
Your thoughts on reading are making me think about the way I “do” reading. I’ve released the competitive feeling (with myself) about the Goodreads reading challenge – I always make my number lower than I usually read. But I think I will choose ONE book next year – I’ve seen others do that. I use the challenge as a nice visual way to keep track of what I read in that year, which helps me when I’m writing year-end summary book posts.
But your comments about self-limiting the kinds of books you read, checking off lists, reading the “right” kinds of books – guilty of all that. I’m in the middle of a reading challenge right now in fact. Does this mean I need to not participate in challenges in the future? It might be liberating to experiment with that.
I’m glad you enjoyed your break! Good job pushing back on capitalism’s weeds. Thank you for sharing.
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Oh I am so glad Laila! Thank you! I know you’ve been reading some of the same books, so maybe we’ve been reading each other’s mail? Or perhaps it it something in the air? The Mental Infrastructures link is a free PDF article you can download and it’s a real eye-opener. Made me feel kind of sick, actually, but in a good “something must be done” way.
Social media is very good at making us feel like we are not enough. I am getting better at curating my feeds and even staying away from it as much as possible, but it is a sneaky weed.
What I realized about my reading really surprised me and it’s been challenging to change my mindset. Definitely a process! I always made my Goodreads challenge number lower than what I usually read too so if for some reason I didn’t read the same number of books I had read the previous year I wouldn’t have to feel bad about it, which is ridiculous when you think about it. I’d find myself rushing through chunky books or not reading chunky books at all so it wouldn’t “mess up” my numbers. Or if a book required attention and slow reading I often got impatient because it was taking “too long” to get through. I’m glad I realized all this, and hopefully I will eventually be able to unwind all of it. As for your reading challenges, I suppose it’s all about why you join them to begin with. Nothing wrong with communal reading and companionship, but if there are other reasons in there that aren’t so nice, then definitely something to think about. I will be interested to learn what you end up deciding!
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Good for you! I don’t do challenges or read books except because I feel like it, but that’s because I’m kind of a contrary person and I burned out on what I “should” read after my PhD comprehensive exam.
Have you read A Psalm for the Wild Built yet?
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It was really bad when I was a regular book blogger. It hasn’t been as bad since then, but it’s still hard to shake the “well this sounds like an important book so I should read it even if I don’t really want to” thing. I suppose a PhD comprehensive would be very good at burning a person out on “shoulds.”
I have read A Psalm for the Wild Built and A Prayer for the Crown Shy. They are quiet books. I liked them both. The first one made me really want to drink tea and I am not a tea drinker! Ha!
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Such a thoughtful post! I’m so glad you found some time to relax into ‘nothing.’ I have been super sick the last two weeks with a bad cold, and forced to ‘do nothing’ — which translates into watching some documentaries that have been on my list for a long time, reading Wolf Hall (been on my TBR for a long time; it’s been good to have time to really immerse myself in it!) and actually napping, which I never do. Finally recovering a little bit, but I’m taking notice of what I let go during this time: paying attention to my phone (which gave me a headache almost immediately when I looked at it — a good lesson), all the peripherals ‘to dos’ that I constantly keep track of (didn’t miss any of them), and automatically taking responsibility for most things around the house (Keith went back to work in the office so I’ve been taking over more of the day to day house chores). Am now inspired to find a bit more balance with these things. However, READING: I completely hear you. I am actually very good at reading whatever strikes my fancy, whether it’s ‘worthy’ or not — I fully embrace fluffy reading when that’s what I want, and have totally let go over the need to read the latest and greatest if it doesn’t work for me. However, I am very attached to my yearly book count, even though I try to let go of it. Last year, I tried to ease up on it and not pay attention, and still read about the same amount, but it gave me anxiety because I felt myself losing track of what I was reading and losing momentum (does that matter?!). This year, I actually INCREASED my goal, but with the purpose of inspiring me to read more throughout the day, not just at night, which is my usual habit. It’s been working, and I’ve been reading a lot more, and much more varied books than usual. Somehow it’s been feeling helpful, not like a ‘should’ — so I’m going with it for now. I guess it comes down to how it makes you feel, and whether it’s bringing you personal joy or not. I went to the library the other day with the aim of getting whatever struck my fancy, and came home with five books that I never heard of and they are all sitting there in a delicious pile, waiting to be read. The tyranny of the TBR list can get to me, so a practice of serendipitous book choosing is helpful to me. However, I need to add several of the books from this post to my TBR list… thanks a lot! Ha!
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Sorry to hear you’ve ben feeling poorly, but I am glad you were able to read and watch good stuff. Wolf Hall, loved it! Heh book tracking! I like to keep track of what I read, otherwise in a few years I might find myself reading a book I have already read and had no intention of reading again. It’s the goal setting and that comes with it that gets me. Also, I think I have residual English major trauma I need to work through 😀 My TBR used to really stress me out, but now I look it as the place I go to browse when I’m ready to choose something new to read. It narrows the pool of choices. But yes, it all depends on how it makes you feel and the motivation for doing it.
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I loooove the Julia Louis-Dreyfus movie Enough Said. I think it was the first movie that I’d ever seen that had a love story that was complicated but characters who are older, old enough to have a child go off to college. It was just lovely, and it wasn’t just about being middle age.
Just this morning I was watching a new story about a husband and wife, each in separate vehicles, road raging. They were smashing into each other, and they actually went off the road, onto the sidewalk, and hit and killed a mother. That is just so gross, and I hope they both end up in jail.
I, too, struggle with the value of rest. What does it mean, and what does it mean when I rest? I actually use a Google calendar that has notifications to tell me how long I’ve been doing an activity. Once the time is up, the activity ends. Sometimes that’s for things like chores or homework so I don’t do them too long. Sometimes that’s for things like reading or watching a movie, so I do them long enough. Interestingly, I never thought of you as someone who would struggle with accidentally buying into the capitalist system because you’re so aware. Actually, I’m glad to hear that even though you live this fulfilling life, that you’re normal like the rest of us!
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Oh, I haven’t seen Enough Said, thanks for the tip on that one!
OMG, that road rage story sounds horrible! People need to understand that cars are dangerous but they just don’t see them that way.
Oh I didn’t know Google calendar had an activity timer. I use an app on my laptop called Howler. You set the time and when your time is up wolves start howling and don’t stop until you stop what you were doing. Heh.
I may be aware but I still struggle. It isn’t easy going against the grain or cultural and social expectations. Also, capitalism is so deeply rooted into everything–it’s even co-opted feminism if you pay attention, lean-in my ass, feminism isn’t about women getting to be just like white hetero cis male capitalists, and yet, here we are. Oh, I’m getting rant-y. So I’ll just say, everything is ongoing, change is hard even if you are aware, but I keep peeling back the layers and I keep trying 🙂
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Yeah, any time someone tells me a movie or book has a bad-ass female character, all I can think is, “That’s a man with mams…” and I feel confused, because I don’t know women like that, and I don’t think that’s what I want to be. I was not a fan of the Wonder Woman movie, even though feminists far and wide lost their minds over it.
Currently, I’m listening to an audiobook called Bad Fat Black Girl, and it’s about “trap feminism.” I didn’t know what trap meant, but I’m learning. It’s a look at a subculture I know little about, but given your comment about feminism and what it isn’t, you may like the book.
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A man with mams! I love that! Plus it is so very true. I have never heard of trap feminism before, had to look that up and I’m still not completely sure I understand it, so I hope you will be writing about it! That way you might also lure me into to adding the book to my TBR 🙂
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I finished the trap feminism book and am going to write the review today!
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Looking forward to your review Melanie!
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I’m glad you took some time off to spend in your garden and doing things you wanted to do. That’s a really interesting list of books, Jenny Odell’s two books are on my TBR and those by Tricia Hersey and Elvia Wilk look intriguing too. It took me far too long, but I see my book blog now as a place to work out how I feel about certain books, write about those I think are really special, and get a sense of what was read during the month. Not as a contest to read the latest or most or have publishers send me stacks of books to review. Fortunately, I avoided Goodreads from the beginning!
It is truly difficult to get out from under ‘always be doing something productive’ mentality but maybe it starts with awareness and then taking little steps to fight back, then bigger ones. I hope you keep hanging on to your time outside of work as yours to spend as you wish.
Your bedroom colors will bring spring and summer to you in the depths of winter, now you’ll just have to put up some artwork to add to that ambiance! Your story about the robin made me laugh. I’ve run into situations like that, especially with crows who are very protective of their nests–now I carry fresh unsalted sunflower seeds and peanuts to offer as an apology.
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Thanks Julé! I’ve read both of Odell’s books and I quite like her. Sometimes she doesn’t delve as deeply as I would like, but she ranges widely and since she comes from a visual arts background I think she brings a different than usual, i.e. not an academic theorist/writer/philosopher, perspective. I think you would really like the Elvia Wilk book.
You are a good reader!
Yes! I need some good artwork for my bedroom now. We have a copper maple leave wall sculpture that’s been hanging above the bed for years and with the new paint it looks fresh again. But the rest of the walls are bare.
That’s a great way to make friends with the crows! I bet some of them remember you now and watch for you and your treats 🙂
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I’m really bad at resting, and the worse is when i’m beating myself up for that. I really struggle with the idea of wasting time, of regretting time badly spent especially during weekends or if I take 1 day off. It gets better when we have longer periods off.
As far Goodreads challenges, I didn’t know you couldn’t disengage and I find it infuriating! I don’t mind doing it as I don’t stress about my overall number of books read, but now that your post made me aware of it, I’m thinking of not setting a goal in the machine at all for next year. I’ll still be able to know how many books I’ve read anyway.
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Oh Smithereens, you might benefit from reading Rest is Resistance! I wasn’t planning on posting about the books, but maybe I will eventually write about them specifically since I think they have important things to say.
It was infuriating to not be able to remove the Goodreads Challenge. A “goal in the machine,” what great phrase! Since Amazon owns Goodreads, of course they want you to read lots of books and hopefully buy them from Amazon of course. 🙂
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So many good insights in your post (as usual, dare I say!). I’m glad you had a good vacation! Will you post more about those books?
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